I would love to travel the country and better yet, the world for my job you say? What an exciting life full of stimulating adventures you say! Until you find yourself at the Monday night Managers Reception in a Holiday INN near Lafayette Indiana. No not “in” Lafayette Indiana, I said “near” Lafayette Indiana. That is an important detail considering there is nothing of interest “in” Lafayette Indiana, so how could there possibly be anything to do “near” the city. “OOOO Managers Reception!!! There must be all kinds of very important business types attending that we can network with and USE to surely take our pathetic careers to the next level!” I pretended to be your brain for a second to show you how naïve and ridiculous you sound.
For those of you that have never attended this prestigious event, let me explain a bit. Once a week, the left over powdered eggs and skim milk from the continental breakfast starts to pile up in the storage/employee smoking room. Instead of doing humanity a favor and throwing it all away, the staff gives it away to the guests at a party as if they appreciate them somehow for doing business at their hotel. Usually there will be snacks such as pretzels, and………. pretzels. Every leap year the hotel will spring for some Kroger brand queso dip and soy taco meat. I like to dip the pretzels IN the queso and taco meat. The possibilities are endless….. well really its only possible to get 8 different combinations with 3 things but still very exciting.
The people watching at the managers reception is the best part of course. Everyone in attendance is there for one reason, free food:)! The novelty lasts for about 6 seconds after you discover the free food isn’t really food. But the dedicated road warriors among us will suck it up and down the plastic-ish cheesy goodness. Mostly because the alternative is another booth at another Outback Steakhouse where it will most certainly be some slobs birthday and the underpaid employees will be forced to sing and clap through the birthday song or face the dreaded “write up” from the night manager. Little do they know it is not the slobs birthday but his friends told the waitress a little white lie to try and cheer him up because his divorce was finalized today. Anyway back to the point.
I will break down the demographic of the guests you will most certainly see double dipping alongside you. If there are 12 people at the managers reception at any given time, three of them will stumble upon it with a little bit of enthusiasm not understanding what this is all about. First timers. They won’t last long. 2 guys will just be looking for free cans of beer before heading to the strip club. A husband, wife combo will be fighting about where to go for dinner. The decision is to hate each other and punish themselves with over salted pretzels. 3 of the last 5 will eventually be involved in a murder suicide at some point. 1 will be a homeless man who waited all week for this moment and last but not least there will be one very hot business woman who all the other guys will also be planning to hit on. It won’t work. She is not the hit on type. She is however a pharmaceutical sales woman who just sold a butt load of depression medication to a huge client that all 3 of the murder suicide people are on. So in a weird causality triangle, she is ensuring her own job by shooting down the advances of depressed guy. He takes more of the drug, so she sells more of it, buying fancier clothes and makeup to make her even hotter, which makes him more depressed the next time this happens. Then the universe implodes.